The Best 100 Facebook Statuses Ever
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I want to die peacefully in
my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers
in his car.
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I asked God for a bike, but
I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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Sex is not the answer. Sex
is the question. "Yes" is the answer
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Going to church doesn't
make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
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We live in a society where
pizza gets to your house before the police
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Women might be able to fake
orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
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The last thing I want to do
is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
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Light travels faster than
sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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If I agreed with you we'd
both be wrong.
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Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
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We never really grow up, we
only learn how to act in public.
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War does not determine who
is right - only who is left.
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Knowledge is knowing a
tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
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Children: You spend the
first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the
next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
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Politicians and diapers
have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the
same reason.
·
My mother never saw the
irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
·
Having sex is like playing
bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
·
The early bird might get
the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
·
Evening news is where they
begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
·
Fighting for peace is like
fucking for virginity.
·
If sex is a pain in the
ass, then you're doing it wrong...
·
To steal ideas from one
person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
·
If God is watching us, the
least we can do is be entertaining
·
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER
from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
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If you think nobody cares
if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
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Better to remain silent and
be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
·
How is it one careless
match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
·
A bus station is where a
bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work
station..
·
Some people are like
Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you
see one tumble down the stairs.
·
Did you know that dolphins
are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to
stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
·
A bank is a place that will
lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
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I thought I wanted a
career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
·
Never, under any
circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
·
Whenever I fill out an
application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put
"DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
·
I didn't fight my way to
the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
·
A computer once beat me at
chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
·
I didn't say it was your
fault, I said I was blaming you.
·
I saw a woman wearing a
sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
·
The shinbone is a device
for finding furniture in a dark room.
·
Why does someone believe
you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint
is wet?
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The sole purpose of a
child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
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God must love stupid people.
He made SO many.
·
Women will never be equal
to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.
·
Good girls are bad girls
that never get caught.
·
Behind every successful man
is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
·
Some people say "If
you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat
them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have
the element of surprise.
·
Why do Americans choose
from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
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Crowded elevators smell
different to midgets.
·
You do not need a parachute
to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
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The voices in my head may not
be real, but they have some good ideas!
·
A clear conscience is
usually the sign of a bad memory.
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The main reason Santa is so
jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
·
Laugh at your problems,
everybody else does.
·
Never get into fights with
ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
·
It's not the fall that
kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
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Artificial intelligence is
no match for natural stupidity.
·
Always borrow money from a
pessimist. He won't expect it back.
·
He who smiles in a crisis
has found someone to blame.
·
A diplomat is someone who
can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
·
We have enough gun control.
What we need is idiot control.
·
Hospitality: making your
guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
·
My opinions may have
changed, but not the fact that I am right.
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Money can't buy happiness,
but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
·
When in doubt, mumble.
·
I discovered I scream the
same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece
of seaweed touches my foot.
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I intend to live forever.
So far, so good.
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Women may not hit harder,
but they hit lower.
·
A little boy asked his
father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father
replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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Worrying works! 90% of the
things I worry about never happen.
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Just remember...if the
world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
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My psychiatrist told me I
was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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Some cause happiness
wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
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God loves you, but everyone
else thinks you're an asshole.
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I don't trust anything that
bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
·
I like work. It fascinates
me. I sit and look at it for hours.
·
I should've known it wasn't
going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a
bitch.
·
I always take life with a
grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
·
Never hit a man with
glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
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There's a fine line between
cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
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I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not sure.
·
You're never too old to
learn something stupid.
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When tempted to fight fire
with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
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You are such a good friend
that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life
jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
·
I got in a fight one time
with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your
face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah?
Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very
well."
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Knowledge is power, and
power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
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Does this rag smell like
chloroform to you?
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With sufficient thrust,
pigs fly just fine.
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To be sure of hitting the
target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
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A bargain is something you
don't need at a price you can't resist.
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Some people hear voices..
Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
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A TV can insult your
intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
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If winning isn't everything
why do they keep score?
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Virginity is like a
soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
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If at first you don't
succeed, skydiving is not for you!
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A bus is a vehicle that
runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
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Hallmark Card: "I'm so
miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
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Whoever coined the phrase
"Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
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If you are supposed to
learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
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Nostalgia isn't what it
used to be.